I just did a partial break down of things. I was thinking of how many hours am I awake per year? So I pulled out the abacus and started some math this is what I got...
If you sleep 6 hours and awake for 18 hours: It means you're awake for 6,570 hours per year. On the flip you're sleeping for 2,190 hours each year.
This has been making me break down what my day consists of, how much I work, how much I think about specific subjects, and simply - how productive I am in my time awake.
I then took this a step further. Anticipating I live a 65 year life and continuously am awake for 18 hours and sleep for 6...
525,600 hours awake and 175,200 hours sleeping.
I realize this is a flawed system because I'm adding my sleep hours in the earlier portion of my life and am adding hours awake to parts of my life that have not yet been lived. But this equation is an extreme estimate. The purpose is to break down the productivity in this time alive. How do you spend your time when awake? I personally believe time should not be squandered if you have the ability to not squander it (everyone's definition of squandering and daily production will be different).
It's something to think about, and when I spend a hour watching LOST tonight on ABC and then another 4 hours thinking about what's going to happen, I'll adjust this equation.
How do you spend your time? And if you find the fountain of youth to extend the timing please let me know.
Short Story Sunday: The Zen of What's Really Going On
What's Really Going On?
My girlfriend was staring back at me in her bedroom, I’m fairly certain her eyes are lying to me but her mouth is saying something completely different. After two years of faithful dating you tend to pick up quirks of someone you see everyday, apparently she doesn’t know this yet. I think she has to know it, she’s caught me in lies but nothing like this. I keep asking her about a mystery man I think she’s seeing but every moment she makes me feel insane denying it. I don’t know how I can crack her code, I feel as though I have no choice but to accept her truth. Maybe, I’m just being extra sensitive.
“Jill, please, is there something going on I should know about?”
“NO, NO, NO! Stop this! You’re being insane!”
“Why are you yelling and being so defensive ?”
“I’m Not! You’re just….It’s frustrating because you’re asking me this.”
I know this is the point I should stop asking questions and just go with the flow of things. I know me prying isn’t getting anywhere but me stopping isn’t possible, pushing a little more is the only way I’ll feel any personal resolve. I wish I was rational enough to tell myself to stop asking questions, I’m too in the moment, I just don’t feel right.
“I just don’t feel right about something.”
“It’s obviously about those pictures.”
“Well yeah, I don’t see why some guy had his arm around you.”
“We were out, he’s a friend of mine. What else can I say!?”
Jill had a point, what else can she say? And I’m certainly a man with my faults, I’ve definitely done some flirting in my relationship but it’s always been harmless. Something seemed a little strange about this set up, this picture I saw, once again I resort back to my girlfriend’s eyes, they just looked so much livelier. Now I’m examining her eyes in a picture, what’s worse is that I’m examining them in my head, so maybe they didn’t look the way I thought.
Either way I can’t deny what’s going on here. I’m at a strange point in my relationship we’re both extremely comfortable in this, there hasn’t been much of a shake up. Our rotations in life have begun to repeat themselves, I feel like I’m married but I’m only 23, and certainly not married.
I take a few more moments looking at my girlfriend, maybe I should do what I do best. Yes, that’s a great plan, I am going to flee and run out of this room. However, if I go then that’s just predictable me, it’s something I always do, it’s starting to become like our fighting. It’s routine, I wonder if I even know how to argue anymore, I argue with the same person over and over again. Why do I do this to myself? I’m aware that self analysis is for a later moment, I am too hung up on the fact that I think my girlfriend is lying to me.
“I’m just gonna go.”
“Of course you are.”
“Well, we’re getting nowhere, and, I just can’t take this shit. Something is not right.”
“A lot more than something isn’t right with us.”
“Excuse me?”
“Nothing”
Wow, what the hell did that mean?
On my drive back home I couldn’t stop thinking about why I’m with this girl. I love her so much, or do I love the idea of being with her. I’ve come so far with her, she truly knows me. I think we can work anything out. I just know she’s not giving me the answer I’m looking for, she’s not reassuring me, she’s just igniting my insecurities in my system. I always looked at Jill as someone who needs me, I never thought I’d need her to tell me something like this. I keep driving, wondering when she’d call me and we’ll try to resolve things, or she’ll reassure me like the woman I know.
As I park my car and walk back into my California apartment I’m relieved that I still live alone. Our living situation has been a topic of contention for the two of us, I never committed to moving in together. I plan on doing it, but just not yet. This was a perfect example of why I shouldn’t. I don’t even know where I’d run to in a fight like this if we lived together.
Walking up the stairs to my apartment I feel like it’s a walk of shame. I’m coming back with a sour taste in my mouth not entirely sure what just happened. Now I’m in and I enter the dim lit hallway that consistently smells like woodchips for some reason.
I’ve been living here for four years now. I love it. I’m like the foreman of the first floor. I’m well aware of all the people who come and go which I like because it keeps me knowledgeable of what’s happening. On the way down the ten-room hallway I stop off at Alex’s. He’s not here, where the hell is Alex? Do I really need to talk to him? No, I should be alone anyway, probably better he’s not home. I need to think for a second, really evaluate if my girlfriend has some hidden lover or if I’m just being insane. I wonder if this would happen if we move in together? Shit, I’ll just go think about it.
As I turn I see someone coming towards me, someone I haven’t seen before. Who is this guy? A mid twenty year old dressed in black with a few eccentric tattoos is approaching me. Maybe he just moved in, I have no desire to find out right now, I just want to be alone now.
As the guy get’s closer I notice his earrings, his messy hair, his carefree bounce in his walk. Who the hell is this? I put my head down. Hopefully I can just get away with a nod of my head as a formal hello. I nod my head towards him. He’s not taking just a nod.
“Hey man!”
“Uh, hi”
“Hey, I just moved in on the second floor, you live here for a while?”
“Yeah, a little bit, it’s a good place.”
“I just moved from San Diego, I’m here with my girlfriend”
Great, maybe one day we can all double date. I know how these greetings go, if I’m not careful I can be here for much longer than I would like, this is already too long in my book. His eye’s seem a little bloodshot and due to his demeanor I think he’s a little stoned, and knowing someone who’s stoned I know this guy could talk for days. I just need to keep moving.
“Yeah, San Diego’s great. Well man, I’m over in apartment 105 if you need anything, I hope you enjoy it here.”
As I walk he catches me.
“Well, what’s really going on?”
“Oh, uh nothing, just going to head to my room, I have some stuff to do.”
“Yeah but what’s really going on man?”
“Well… I just checked if my friend Alex was home, he’s not, so now I’m going back to my room.”
“Okay. But, what’s really going on man?”
Okay, what the hell IS going on? Did this guy just ask me the same question three times in a row? I don’t even know his name and by this point we’ve passed introductions so I can’t ask. I feel cornered.
“What’s going on?”
“No man, What’s really going on?
I stared back at my potentially stoned encounter in our hallway. Alex wasn’t home, my room was waiting for me and this guy is just asking me the same damn question. I took a deep breath, to myself I was thinking that this guy should just screw off. Yes, fuck this guy. I’m not going to take this same questioning from some random. I’m going back to my room. But, why is he asking me this? Do I look a certain way? Can he sense something? Should I ask him?
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, what’s really going on?”
After staring a few more seconds, I opened up to this guy. I think my girlfriend’s cheating on me…she wants me to move in…I’m uncertain in my job… I’m confused about my future… My car payments… School loans...Parents….
After fifteen minutes I finished. I opened up. After telling him this I thought he would run back to San Diego. Instead he looked at me with his smile and steady stance.
“And that’s what’s really going on.”
“…Okay.”
“Hey man, I’ll see you around.”
He walks away. I didn’t even get his name. What the hell just happened to me?
Studio apartments seem to become smaller and smaller when you have a problem. It’s peculiar my girlfriend didn’t call me yet, she usually does at this point, so I decide to give her a call.
Our conversation was dry, a lot of pauses, a lot of answers are not there, I hope answers and relief appears out of nowhere. They don’t. Jill and I hang up the phone and I continue to think by myself, one topic on my mind was the floodgate of emotion from “Mr. What’s really going on.” What a strange question, who is this guy? Why didn’t I ask for his name?
Eventually Alex knocks at my door, which is a relief, I mentally say I want to be alone but secretly I want company so I can bounce my problems off of someone else.
In strolls Alex, my long time friend who wasn’t home. He wasn’t around to see my hallway encounter, he has a lot of listening to do. I wonder if he’s seen “What’s really going on” before. As Alex strolls he sits on his spot on my couch.
“What’s up man?”
After grabbing him a beer I feel it necessary to grab his opinion on my relationship situation but instead I ask if he’s seen the kind of stoner looking guy who just moved in. He has no idea what I’m talking about. What Alex doesn’t know is that I was just bamboozled by some question that changed my night, he doesn’t know I just confided in some random guy who now knows more about me than I do. I mentally find myself at a crossroad. I ask myself three things.
1. Do I tell Alex about what happened to me with “What’s really going on?”
2. Do I ask Alex, “what’s really going on?” and see if he’s as susceptible to the question as I was.
3. Do I get to the situation at hand and tell him about my girlfriend and my suspicions.
After quick deliberation, I take a deep breath.
“Alex, what’s really going on?”
“What do you mean?”
“What’s really going on?”
“I don’t know”
“No man, What’s really going on?”
Alex looks confused. He sips his beer and answers the question. Slowly he talks to me about his job, he moves onto telling me that his sister is having problems in her relationship, then about his parents thinking about moving but he doesn’t want them to. Time passes, Alex has told me what’s really going on. When he’s done he asks why.
I can’t answer Alex why I just asked this just yet. I’m too shocked Alex and I just covered everything in his life so quickly. I don’t follow up to anything he just told me, instead I have to tell him about my hallway encounter.
I told Alex everything, I told him about Jill, coming home, and then seeing this guy. I told him how he pressured me and asked me a few times, I told him he wasn’t abrasive yet I felt it necessary to tell him everything, I told him he may have been stoned, I told him I don’t know why he asked, I told him it was his fault cause he wasn’t home in the first place, I told him I couldn’t stop thinking about this guy’s question when I have a bigger situation on my hands, and I then asked him why he opened up too me when I asked him this simple question.
Alex justified his answer saying it was because we were so close, which was true. He and I were friends who were relatively open with each other, shit, maybe I made a mistake and this Alex question was a fluke. How can I know? I can’t.
Aside from all of this, Alex reassured me why he and I were such good friends, he asked me the million-dollar question. He asked the same thing I thought.
“Who the hell does this guy think he is?”
Suddenly we were badmouthing, “Mr. What’s really going on?” How does this guy have the balls to come to strangers and ask this question, who does he REALLY think he is? We were pissed. But, were we pissed because of the life confession or because of the gull this guy possessed? Who knows, we didn’t care, we were complaining.
Alex wanted to meet this guy, but in my mind he was elusive. He was a guy that you didn’t seek out, he was just there, I’ve been around people to know when they don’t follow schedules, they just do, and he was one of them. Not to mention he was new to the apartment, what the hell would we say to him? What would we ask him? Maybe we were just looking into things.
We concluded there was really only one way to find out if this question held meaning, we had to ask some other people “What’s really going on?” We need to see what they say? We need to know if they’re as vulnerable as we are to the question. Maybe Alex wasn’t even vulnerable, maybe it was just me.
After more discussion we decided we needed to get out, we need to grab a beer elsewhere. If either one of us have the testicular fortitude we think we have we’ll be able to pose this question to people.
Who am I kidding? We won’t ask this to anyone, but it’s a good excuse to get out. I decide that I’ll be able to tell Alex about my girlfriend situation in a different environment. We’ll get out of the apartment and we can head to a local bar, forget all this about “What’s really going on” and just talk about the important things.
As we head to Alex’s car two major things are going through my head. First of all I’m secretly hoping to see “Mr. What’s really going on” but we don’t. And the other is wondering what happened to my wallet.
Suddenly it dawns on me….I left my wallet at Jill’s. SHIT.
Did I purposely do this? No I couldn’t have, I need my wallet. When I tell Alex I left it and we need to pick it up he also get’s skeptical to the fact that I may have left it there just to go back over. Maybe my subconscious did it but either way I get carded everywhere and have no money.
I call Jill three times. Eventually she answers.
“Um, hey babe. Hey Alex and I are going to have a beer and I think I left my wallet there.”
“You’re having a beer with Alex?”
“Yeah”
“Just you two?”
“Yeah”
“Where?”
“The Dime”
“You guys are going to the Dime?”
“Yeah…Ah….Is that cool?”
“Whatever”
Great, all I can think is that it was a great conversation with my girlfriend. This is where a boyfriend needs to be a man. I know she doesn’t want me to go out with Alex, I know she wants me with her, but I made plans with him. He is extending himself to me as a friend and I need to follow up. I have to tell myself time and time again that I am not going to feel bad about this.
As I suspected Alex is convinced that if I run to her house for my wallet I will stay there, I tell him I won’t, but he’s no fool, he knows how relationships are. However, this time is different, this time I am going to stick to my man guns and go out and have a beer. It’s been a rough night.
We head over to Jill’s house. As we approach, Alex stops and parks for a second. By now, I told him Jill and I were having problems but I wasn’t specific. He doesn’t know how much this is affecting me, it’s killing me, however I know I will get to it, over a beer.
I assure Alex I will be right back.
As I walk to the door of my girlfriend’s, a sudden feeling comes over me. In my mind I am telling myself that things can be alright, I believe that maybe I am just a little neurotic. Maybe I am working myself into a fuss over absolutely nothing. I saw a picture of her with some guy, this really isn’t all that nuts. I was about to grab a beer and stand in an environment with ladies who are single. Maybe I should give her the benefit of the doubt for now. Maybe I need to evaluate my issues and myself.
I look back at Alex sitting in the car, I approach the door and knock. Jill lets me in and we head back to the scene of the crime where I was arguing with her earlier. Sure enough my grey wallet was sitting on the side table where I always put it, and always forget it.
I grab my wallet and our exchange is short and sweet. We both don’t want to argue but we both know our talk isn’t over. I let Jill know that I’m not going to have many beers and I just want to talk with Alex for a bit. Of course Jill assumes the conversation will be about her, although she’s correct, I don’t tell her. I just need to get out and talk, I tell her.
As I grab my wallet and look Jill in the eyes I smile. I’m telling myself everything will be okay. I give her a hug and I place my wallet in my pocket, get ready to head to the door.
As she walks me out I stop for a second. I look to Jill.
“Jill”
“Yeah?”
“What’s really going on?”
“What”
“What’s really going on?”
“What do you mean?”
“….I mean….What’s really going on?”
Jill stares back at me with a slightly confused look. Like before I examine her eyes, I can tell she’s not sure what I’m asking.
“I’m just going to stay home tonight,” she says.
“Well, yeah. But, What’s really going on?”
Jill says nothing. Then, suddenly, the eyes that I look at so often begin to swell with tears.
Jill begins to tell me that my gut feeling about her and that guy were true, she’s been sleeping with him for two weeks. She opens the floodgates. I stand speechless yet not surprised. I knew something was going on, I knew my instincts were correct. Most importantly, I knew that’s what was really going on.
Adaptation or Extinction
I was watching the Discovery Channels new 11 part series called LIFE. At some point in the hour long episode tonight they highlighted a small fish with wings that would jump from the water, it manager to hover for about 300 feet. Aside from my initial thought of... What the Hell was That? I thought that they would undoubtedly be dead if they couldn't do that, extinct in fact. This fish was a small one, considered a feeder fish to anything over the size of 4 feet, but still they were figuring out a way to survive.
It's so primal and so basic, it's one of 2 major functions all species instinctively have... Survival... And for the record, the other function is Breeding.
Survival is what keeps us moving on a day to day basis, and how do we survive? As Human's we adapt regularly. We're the flying fish. We find ourselves forced to change regularly, and seemingly the Human species has done a good job at doing so. The ironic part is we adapt because we're adapting, we're constantly changing from the previous moment only to create a new moment to eventually change from.
Now what happens if we don't adapt, well it's really quite simple... We crumble. The crumbling aspect is inevitable, it's just a matter of time. The reason why the crumble is so unappealing is because many times adapting requires a change, and as we know, most of us hate change. Leaving the nest of comfort is always a scary thing, but change is inevitable and you can either adapt with change... or not.
You probably don't recognize it but we've all been adapting everyday, like I said earlier humans are great at it. It's a beautiful process, it promotes opinion and creativity, it opens many new eyes.
This all started with a flying fish.
It's so primal and so basic, it's one of 2 major functions all species instinctively have... Survival... And for the record, the other function is Breeding.
Survival is what keeps us moving on a day to day basis, and how do we survive? As Human's we adapt regularly. We're the flying fish. We find ourselves forced to change regularly, and seemingly the Human species has done a good job at doing so. The ironic part is we adapt because we're adapting, we're constantly changing from the previous moment only to create a new moment to eventually change from.
Now what happens if we don't adapt, well it's really quite simple... We crumble. The crumbling aspect is inevitable, it's just a matter of time. The reason why the crumble is so unappealing is because many times adapting requires a change, and as we know, most of us hate change. Leaving the nest of comfort is always a scary thing, but change is inevitable and you can either adapt with change... or not.
You probably don't recognize it but we've all been adapting everyday, like I said earlier humans are great at it. It's a beautiful process, it promotes opinion and creativity, it opens many new eyes.
This all started with a flying fish.
You Are Who You Are
You can change your clothing, location, or possessions but you will always be you. You're not defined by anything that's tangible.
The Importance of Change
Nope, not talking about President Barack Obama and his planned change in late 2008. I'm talking about the adjustment from your normalcy to what you will know as normal. Changes come in all shapes and sizes, it can be tangible or it can be a thought, but the actual movement that forces you to live and think differently is completely necessary.
Think about the times in your life, whether you had a monumental break-up, a move, a incident, a fight, a injury, a decision. Now think about how it changed your normal day, now think about how it changed you. How it changed you is all that really matters, because now it adjusts how you walk through everyday of your life. Why is this so important? Well, I think it is quite obvious. It forces you to make decisions and view everyday differently. Change allows growth.
The funny thing about change is that you don't always know you need it, and it can creep up on you in a second. It seems scary and unsettling at times, but eventually we all figure out how to deal with it - That figuring out process is the key, that is what allows us to gain and maintain knowledge and depth.
Change is not always easy, but it's completely important. Change is essentially living, and I think we all need a few moments where we change what we know, and begin to know something new, whether it's a person or a location.
I think the quicker we accept that change is inevitable and we accept the fact that what you currently know now is not going to be everything you know tomorrow, the better life becomes.
Think about the times in your life, whether you had a monumental break-up, a move, a incident, a fight, a injury, a decision. Now think about how it changed your normal day, now think about how it changed you. How it changed you is all that really matters, because now it adjusts how you walk through everyday of your life. Why is this so important? Well, I think it is quite obvious. It forces you to make decisions and view everyday differently. Change allows growth.
The funny thing about change is that you don't always know you need it, and it can creep up on you in a second. It seems scary and unsettling at times, but eventually we all figure out how to deal with it - That figuring out process is the key, that is what allows us to gain and maintain knowledge and depth.
Change is not always easy, but it's completely important. Change is essentially living, and I think we all need a few moments where we change what we know, and begin to know something new, whether it's a person or a location.
I think the quicker we accept that change is inevitable and we accept the fact that what you currently know now is not going to be everything you know tomorrow, the better life becomes.
Hollywood: Please stop!
I realize that all stories are essentially the same when it comes down to it. I realize Hollywood is a machine that makes money, I partially understand how the studio system works. The bottom line is money/profit. However, lately there have been a large number of "Reboots." A Reboot is a redoing a film that was already made years ago this has happened with... The Hulk/The Incredible Hulk, Friday the 13th, A nightmare on Elmstreet, and most recently The Spider Man franchise. The Spider Man Franchise has raked in over a Billion Dollars and the third film was released just 3 years ago.
What does this all mean? Well it's quite simple. These movies are sure things to make profit, and I understand why the reboot takes place. In the current time we're in the Movie Star is diminishing which means studios need a sure thing in the economic time. They need a movie people are familiar with, to see the same old thing AGAIN.
Well I think it has gone to far. A Classic that in my opinion can not be redone may be redone. This is a Link from Hollywood Wiretap. The Craziness of the Reboot is everywhere...Is nothing sacred anymore!?
Check this link out, I need to say nothing more:
http://hollywoodwiretap.com/?module=news&action=story&id=46172
What does this all mean? Well it's quite simple. These movies are sure things to make profit, and I understand why the reboot takes place. In the current time we're in the Movie Star is diminishing which means studios need a sure thing in the economic time. They need a movie people are familiar with, to see the same old thing AGAIN.
Well I think it has gone to far. A Classic that in my opinion can not be redone may be redone. This is a Link from Hollywood Wiretap. The Craziness of the Reboot is everywhere...Is nothing sacred anymore!?
Check this link out, I need to say nothing more:
http://hollywoodwiretap.com/?module=news&action=story&id=46172
Short Story Sunday
So, what’s the Constant?
Constant: Continually or Absolutely Occurring.
I’ve always been a big fan of anything that was science related because I excelled with chemicals and experiments. On the flip side I was terrible at math, I hoped that one day it would click for me but it never did. I can actually remember the moment when I shunned math away for good. Age 12 I had a tutor come over, my grades were getting better, my Math was improving. One day a friend came over to tell me that tutors were stupid, it was at that moment that I took his meaningless side and banished my tutor, while seemingly banishing my knowledge.
You could imagine my disappointment when I was told that Math is as much a part of Science as Science is Science. For years I managed to get by in the Math world while somehow excelling in Science. I could never figure out why my knee jerk reaction was to shun Math but eventually I chalked it up to not actually being able to see the outcome. Without having something physical I didn’t necessarily believe it existed. Science was different, Science was experiments, and Science was explosions, a periodic table, potions, and smoke. The appeal for scientific experiments was too much to let go.
Some time after attending his class I ran into Robin Schrank, we were both sitting down to eat at a sandwich restaurant. I noticed him and introduced myself again just in case he forgot my name or face, of course he said he didn’t.
“Mr. Schrank, how are you?”
“Josh, call me Robin.”
Robin reminded me that it’s the institution and the kids who prefer to call their professors “Mr.” “Ms.” Or “Mrs.” In Robin’s world we should all go by first names unless specifically asked otherwise, he felt it caused too much of a divide. Robin was eating “The Club” I stuck with my “Traditional Turkey” I asked if he’d like to talk - we sat down to eat together.
We discussed students and teaching, life and decisions. I told him I planned to make a move west. I didn’t get into moving specifics, just the idea that I wanted to travel and experience something new. He went on to tell me about his days of moving around but ultimately he made his way back home. He started a family in Wisconsin, and Wisconsin carried the atmosphere that was most like his personality. I admired Robin’s view, he was right.
What I didn’t tell Robin is that I didn’t like this atmosphere, it worked for some but not me. I needed to make a move from this area that I felt was torturing me. I was caught in slow movement and it felt as though I was continuously doing the same thing. I touched on a few subjects but didn’t want to get into a therapy session with him. I mentioned I wanted to travel but I should have elaborated and told him I wanted a new life. I could have told him I had plans to drastically change my surroundings and never looks back, but I felt my tone would have been almost smug, possibly insulting.
Our sandwiches were finished and our conversation was great. The feeling that you get when a conversation must end was approaching. We’ve been sitting here for an hour talking about life and it was at that moment I opened the can of worms, not intentionally but for conversation sake.
“You know, I had always thought something was very strange. I have always loved Science but I can’t really stand Math, is that typical?”
“To not like something, of course that’s typical.”
“No, but I mean they are both so connected that I’d think I enjoy them both. Also, I’m not very good at Math. I just feel like I should know how to do both very well. ”
“What is that you don’t like about Math?”
This was such a basic question but difficult for me to answer. I had to face the facts of why I didn’t like this subject:
“I guess to be honest I don’t like it because I don’t fully understand it, I’m not good at it. I’m so uncertain about what I’m doing.”
“Why?”
Another basic question, again I’m having difficulty answering.
“Because I don’t know if my answers are correct.”
“But you like Science?”
“Love it. Yes.”
“Why?”
“I guess… I guess it’s because I can see the outcome. It’s tangible. I like knowing that if I’m doing something I will see if I’m correct.”
“Josh, you get that much more in Math than you do in Science. There are so many constants and variables with both. But if you know what you’re doing you can always see if you’re correct when dealing with Math. You can blow something up in Science, sure it may look cool but it may not be right.”
Out of that statement one thing hit me – Constants and Variables.
“Wait a second, lets be specific about what a constant is.”
“A constant? Constants are used in conversions they are the unchangeable.”
“Well what if the variable changes?”
“Then that’s the variable.”
Something hit me like a ton of bricks. I don’t believe that anything is constant. I told Robin I didn’t think this was possible. How can anything be constant when so much is changing?
“Robin, I don’t think constants are possible, I think everything is always changing., maybe this is why I don’t like Math!”
“So you’re saying there are no certainties?”
What a question.
“Yes, there are no certainties, so there’s no constants.”
“Josh let me give you an example. The acceleration of gravity is a constant, do you not believe this is a certainty?”
“If something happened to our sun or the moon our gravity would be affected. If there were a black hole at the core of the earth our gravity would diminish. The black hole is a little drastic but something could happen.”
Robin stared at me and laughed. It was a playful laugh, after a moment it took it as him saying: You have much to learn.
I knew how I sounded, I was being combative, and I was objecting common rules that have been along much longer than me. However, I still felt justified in saying this, I feel accurate. I think Robin understood or maybe he was annoyed but he controlled this conversation. He left we with a parting thought:
“I can tell you this Josh. People who tend to accelerate at Mathematics tend to be better problem solvers. In school they don’t explain the importance of this. Math is about coming to an answer by knowing equations, or sometimes finding the equation when you already know the answer. If you can strengthen your problem solving skills with Math, you will strengthen how you observe situations and how you handle them down the road.”
Mr. Schrank is schooling me, I feel ignorant.
“There may not be any constants and if that’s the case then we have another variable. The question I pose to you Josh, if you are saying there are no certainties (constants) then is that your certainty?”
I was wondering if someone from the table next to us was listening. I was just dropped a word of wisdom that I may not fully comprehend. Robin was truly much wiser than I am, he’s at ease with himself, and I’m not. I stood up, shook Robin’s hand and thanked him. I was left with more questions and I wished we could talk forever, but I knew he had to get going. Part of me had to digest everything said, and the other part wanted to dismiss it. I’m now thinking that maybe there are constants.
I sat for a moment longer wondering if I lacked problem solving and if I can solve this problem. I did come to a solid conclusion: I realize that what I’m doing is a Science experiment. I formed my belief that life is an experiment in many cases. Those who get to attain what they desire – happiness, money, fame, lust, family – whatever it may be have attained their proper equation.
Things suddenly changed for me, I constantly have thoughts of change, I never implement the unpredictable. I sat and thought that everything going on around me are variables, and I’m the constant…except I’m unpredictable so I’m the variable.
Work
What's the one thing you don't want to hear other people complain about? I think it's work. I think we all know that when we hear someone complain we think that we're working equally as hard we don't complain. Or the flip is that the complainer has a job better than you and you don't want to hear it.
My intention this morning began with me ranting about how my body is fatigued and finally I feel like I need to just relax. Unfortunately, relaxing isn't always in my head and personally when I relax... I feel stunted and I feel comfortable. Comfort is the enemy of progress.
Regardless of this situation I feel like Rocky 4 when Apollo is getting his face torn apart by Ivan Drago and Rocky is holding the white towel in his hand, contemplating the throw in. Apollo didn't let him toss in the towel. Lesson from Rocky 4? Apollo died when he didn't toss the towel earlier.
So where do we all stand with work, if it's not our family do we ever want to hear people talk about it too much?
The Morning was a reminder, it reminded me that life is to be led doing and working in the field we desire. What we want is attainable but we have to work at it, and sometimes that work is working a means to a end position, or putting up with things we didn't envision ourselves doing. Or you can do the Stallone route ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ywuse55qU2A )
This is the fatigue talking.
My intention this morning began with me ranting about how my body is fatigued and finally I feel like I need to just relax. Unfortunately, relaxing isn't always in my head and personally when I relax... I feel stunted and I feel comfortable. Comfort is the enemy of progress.
Regardless of this situation I feel like Rocky 4 when Apollo is getting his face torn apart by Ivan Drago and Rocky is holding the white towel in his hand, contemplating the throw in. Apollo didn't let him toss in the towel. Lesson from Rocky 4? Apollo died when he didn't toss the towel earlier.
So where do we all stand with work, if it's not our family do we ever want to hear people talk about it too much?
The Morning was a reminder, it reminded me that life is to be led doing and working in the field we desire. What we want is attainable but we have to work at it, and sometimes that work is working a means to a end position, or putting up with things we didn't envision ourselves doing. Or you can do the Stallone route ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ywuse55qU2A )
This is the fatigue talking.
Longest Short Story...
Wait, What?
My girlfriend Jill has officially taken the lead she’s about 5 steps ahead but I’m slowly drifting further behind. Waiting for the two of us is Phyllis, a nice older woman who smiles as her hands rest on her hips. Seeing Phyllis I get a little nervous I wonder how I can bail out of my situation. I think that I’m a few steps behind Jill so maybe I can run and say I’m sick, but I realize that won’t work I’ve already smiled at Phyllis. Dammit, this is it, I’m getting closer and I’m about to come face to face with fear. That face is in the form of a nice old lady.
“Hello, I’m Phyllis.”
“Hi, I’m Josh and this is Jill.”
“Josh and I are really excited to see the apartment.” Said Jill.
It’s official. The communication has been established. The nice old lady who’s acting manager at the Sweetzer Apartments has just become my obstacle. She’s been in communication with my girlfriend for a few days and she has a “great apartment.” My girlfriend knows I need space and she clearly used that to her advantage, she found a place with ample room and two bedrooms. She knows I’m dying for a office and the second bedroom would be just that, Jill knows know so much about me but also knows so little about me, it’s funny how that works.
I currently live in a studio apartment and although I’m extremely cramped I would consider myself content. I’ve been discussing moving in with my girlfriend for months now and I’ve always figured out a way to dodge the subject when she brings it up. For some reason she can’t understand that being a 24 year old male means I’m afraid to make various commitments. I’m afraid to move in because I’d feel as though I’m about to start a future with someone who isn’t me. That’s not to say I don’t love her, it just means I love a lot of stuff she may not be able to coexist with.
My coexisting fears are about to get toyed with because I decided not too run 30 seconds ago. As I look at my girlfriend smiling towards Phyllis all I can think is that if Phyllis knew how I felt she’d have sympathy on me and tell us someone already rented the apartment. I wonder if Phyllis has a husband because maybe he can relate with me, I’d give him the man look and by some form of telepathy he’d understand everything. I wish there was a guy here.
We enter the spacious place and yes it’s nice. As my girlfriend looks around at the walls I immediately make my way to the office and bedroom. It’s been bugging me Jill keeps calling it a two bedroom apartment because she knows I want a office, then I hear Phyllis say:
“Two huge bedrooms.”
No, it’s my office, but I get it and Phyllis doesn’t know. As I look around I can’t help but admit that I like it. However I have to ask myself what I’m doing with myself right now. Since I’m feeling these issues and insecurities in my relationship something is off right? Something can’t be right. Looking at Jill I know I love her, she’s great but why am I so hesitant to move in with her. Am I feeding into the stereotype that men hate commitment? On top of all of this I have to ask myself why am I not able to split up with my girlfriend if I needed too? Or am I?
Jill is gushing about the greatness of where we are, little old Phyllis hands her two applications and the two continue to talk about nonsense, I stand off to the side with a dumb smile on my face. I start to recollect all of the older men who have told me to enjoy my youth. They’ve told me to take advantage of moments in my late teens to early 20’s. I’ve always thought I was but now that I think about it, am I? Should I be aimlessly sleeping around with women and making decisions I am going to regret tomorrow. I think that if it’s about regret than I have that area locked because I have a feeling I may regret some things if I sign that lease.
Phyllis looks to me with a huge smile and tells me it was great to meet me, of course she reminds me it’s a 30 dollar fee to process my application.
We’re heading back to Jill’s place and silence sits on my end, Jill can’t stop gushing, every word she speaks starts to press on my chest like a weigh has fallen on me. I realize I’d feel comfortable moving in with Jill if I didn’t have to sign anything, I’d rather have the option to bail at any moment, but the 3 syllable word rings in my ear… Com-mit-ment.
We’re parking and while I walk to retrieve some material from the trunk I see a dark featured woman walking my way. She is beautiful and my double take has turned to a triple take. Then, since I realize Jill is standing next to me it’s okay if I say hi, because it’s almost as if I’m saying hi from the both of us.
“Hello!” I say.
Her radiating smile gleams back to me, “Hi!” she says.
Oh my God she was beautiful, who is this girl? She’s going to her car and I may want another peek and her. If I wasn’t such a nice guy that may have seemed weird, but Jill knows me better, and I’ll say Hi to a dog if it passes. Thus far I’m in the clear with my pleasantry. Although I generally greet people this was different, I think this girl and I just shared something. Between me closing the trunk, her walking to her car, and Jill talking about the 2 bedroom (office) I think that if this were a fairy tale I may get to know this princess. She was too beautiful not to take a chance. But as I know, this is no fairy tale and she’s about to drive from the apartment.
I start to walk very slowly to the door to let Jill and I in. I mentally map out the girls trajectory and this girl is going to have to drive past. My man mind tells me I am going to shoot her a quick “Good Bye” smile. This is my last attempt for a fairy tale moment, and I want my smile on her mind as she drives.
I approach the door and hold it for Jill, she walks but I hold it a little longer. I’m waiting for the mystery woman to drive, she’s coming around another parked car, my smile is just a few moments away. I become aware that my door holding is feeling a twitch too long. Shit! Please hurry car, Jill looks at me, I act like I can’t get the keys out. This is the longest moment ever. Please hurry car, okay here she comes. My moment is in 3….2…1…and SMILE, little head nod, Keys out, smooth.
It worked, I got the smile back- this was a victory. The car drives away and I turn back around to enter with Jill, and it was that moment my victory has been overshadowed by the bigger picture. That picture being my girlfriend is not stupid. The elevator doors open, we both step in.
I really hope that I’m imagining my girlfriend catching that interaction. She couldn’t have. Her mood has turned to complete quiet, I know she knows but I keep trying to tell myself otherwise. The elevator doors open, we walk down the long hallway to her apartment.
I kind of want her to say something, but I hope she doesn’t, what is she thinking? Please don’t say anything - please don’t say anything - So far so good.
And then…
“Why did you hold the door open so long?”
Immediately,
“Ha! What? What? Held the door, what?”
“You just held the door to look at that girl didn’t you?”
“Girl? What girl….Ohhh..Pshhh… Please come on. You’re crazy.”
Well, I think it’s safe to say she knows.
As we enter her apartment it stays like this, but the mood is oddly eerie and I sense that crazy comment didn’t sit too well.
“Why did you smile at her?”
“What are you talking about?”
“You held the door.”
“Babe please, come on.”
As we have this conversation I am pacing around and expressing that I am completely dumbfounded. I know where this is going, and I’m about to enter a very awkward argument. I’m about to lie about checking out a girl, then Jill will talk to me about the apartment and I will lie and tell her I’m excited. I tell myself I’m lying because I’m going to make her feel better but in actuality I’m afraid. I don’t want to deal with the reality of the situation. I don’t think Jill understands any of my frustration and how can she?
“Can we talk for a second.”
“Um, sure.”
“Come sit down.”
Uh oh. I usually can drink water and pace when we have these kinds of conversations, but not this time.
I was waiting for Jill to confront me even more, she was about to blast me and I knew I was going to feel real bad real soon but she said something unexpected. It’s as if God was giving me the thumbs up-
“Josh listen, I know this is difficult for you. I get it, all of this. The apartment stuff is a huge step, and I know you probably feel a little cramped with me. The last thing I want to do is pull us apart, so let’s not let that happen. (I’m staring like a deer in headlights). I know you may want to see other girls or look at them…or whatever, and that’s okay. So just be upfront with me, have some fun but be up front. If you’re feeling claustrophobic, please let me know, but I know you love me. And if you want to have some fun or a thing, that’s fine, we can have some fun.”
Wait… What?
“What?”
“You know, let’s take a moment to think about the apartment, and also let’s have some fun okay.”
“I, ah, I’m a little confused.”
“I love you Josh, okay, you know that. I don’t want us to lie to each other, we’re better than that, and I want to stay together.”
As I drove home I remembered exactly why I loved my girlfriend. She’s so damn great. What the hell is wrong with me? I posses a woman who carries more knowledge than me, she is absolutely right. She understands me with without me saying anything, and she just offered me the opportunity to have a thing with another girl. I don’t know if I can ask for anything better than what I currently have. The apartment was somewhat in the back of my head, but currently I’m too focused on the free pass I seemingly received.
When I entered my apartment complex I immediately ran to Corey’s room. I have a few very close friends living around and Corey has known me the longest and knows how to deal with situations. He is my go to mentor on many occurrences. Not only will he sit and listen for hours he always finds a way to tie it back to his life and then tell me a solution to any quandary. This time I had no quandary, I just wanted to tell him what happened with Jill. I knocked on Corey’s door and as expected he opened in typical inviting fashion.
“I have to talk to you.”
I told him everything: The apartment to the girl, to the look, and then to the reaction, then the completely unexpected reaction. He sat and listened as I spoke a mile a minute. I kept reiterating the fact that she just told me I could have some fun, and I never thought I would be in this position. I just cannot believe it. And as Corey typically does he offers insight, however this time it caught me off guard.
“So she said you guys should be open?”
“Yes!”
“And she said WE should have some fun or YOU should have some fun?”
“Wait…What?”
“Well did she mean both of you or just you?”
“Just me…I think.”
“Well why would it be just you?”
Oh my, he’s right. Now I can’t remember. I’m trying to recall the things Jill said to me but I can’t recall a thing. I thought she just meant me, but of course I would think that, I’m selfish. Why would it be just me?
“Corey do you think she meant that she wants to have some fun too?”
“Yeah, actually I do. I think you opened the flood gates with that look to the girl and agreeing to this.”
I felt sick to my stomach I told Corey thanks but actually I meant “Thank you for nothing you asshole.” I proceeded to my room and immediately called my girlfriend.
It’s funny how this works, that express wanting your cake and eating it too has never been so true. I feel it’s okay for me to “have fun” but it’s not okay for my girlfriend, what a moron I am. As I called Jill she told me she was going out with her friends tonight. I asked her if she wanted to hang out but just told me she thought it would be good if we were with friends.
This couldn’t be worse. I only thought that Jill wanted to meet another guy. Before we hung up I told her I loved her about 8 times and that I wanted to talk about what we talked about earlier. She told me we’d talk later, my sick stomach just turned to panic.
I was panic sick alone in my small studio apartment. I had been in their for about 10 minutes but it felt like 3 hours. Maybe Corey was wrong. Corey’s life meter could be wrong this time so I needed a second opinion I needed my friend Alex. Within moments I was knocking on Alex’s apartment.
“Do you want to grab a beer?”
“Of Course.”
As we walked to a close bar the therapy session continued. The same thing I said to Corey I said to Alex, but this time I was hoping to get a different response. My venting continued up until we ordered our first Beer. We sat down, I took a sip and Alex looked at me and said:
“Sounds like she wants to have some fun too.”
I proceeded to drink my beer faster and pulled out my phone to text my girlfriend. Alex tried to show me the upside to things by acknowledging I still too could have some fun. But at this point I wanted no fun. I just wanted a pure girlfriend. I currently can’t imagine her telling me about some great guy she met that she proceeded to have fun with. And I can’t go crazy about it because I agreed to this and actually enjoyed the idea… When it was about me.
When we finished the second beer I excused myself to the bathroom. Which meant one more call because I didn’t want too look to pathetic in front of my buddy. Jill answered as I was pacing alone in the small bathroom.
“Babe, I miss you do you want to meet up later?”
“I’ll Call you later okay. Josh, please just relax this is all going to be okay.”
“I am relaxed.”
“I just want to be with you and you should have your space, I can smolder you sometimes, I get it.”
“You don’t smolder me.”
“Babe, just enjoy your night stop worrying.”
“I’m not worried.”
“Babe, I love you.”
I could be over reacting but that was no help whatsoever, I spent another 5 minutes just thinking about what she could be doing. In my mind she was riding a mechanical bull while men threw money at her. But she was probably just hanging out with her friends. I need to just relax and remember how this all started. I took a deep breath and decided to tell Alex why I was gone so long. I figured he knew, or he didn’t care but it would give me a open to talk more about this.
As I exited the bathroom time slowed down. The beautiful princess from earlier was standing in the middle of the bar smiling. Her smile was just as great as before, I can’t believe she is in here. Is this destiny? Is something happening here bigger than what I can imagine? A fury of thoughts came into my head. What the hell do I do? Do I talk to her? Is this a test?
I decided I would just say hi, that’s it. I’m still shaken from my girlfriend being out and I don’t want to jinx the situation. Okay so I’d say hi and then a little flirting BUT THAT’S IT. As I got closer her smile was in a odd direction, it was facing where I was sitting.
A few more steps revealed she was talking with Alex. My buddy was making his move on the princess.
“Josh this is Megan, I think she lives by Jill.”
“Um Hi.”
Megan said: “Do I know you?”
“Um, well, I think you actually live in the same complex as my girlfriend Jill.”
It clicked for her “Ohhh, right. Hi nice to meet you. This is my favorite bar, are you guys always here?”
“Sometimes.”
Megan excused herself for a second and as she walked away Alex was glowing with happiness.
“How hot is she!”
Alex didn’t put 2 and 2 together; he was too caught up in her beauty. I didn’t say anything because he’d already listened to me enough. A part of me wishes I made more emphasis on the girl when I was telling Alex about earlier. But I was too caught up in “having fun.”
“Josh this girl seems really cool.”
“Great.”
I watched Megan make her way back over and engage with Alex. I have suddenly become the sidekick to this scenario. I took another large swig of my beer. All I could think is that I would love nothing more than to be with Jill living and laying with her right now in a two-bedroom apartment, having no fun.
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