A little diddy about age.

Dammit! It happened. I’ve always wondered how I’d know that I was aging. I’ve managed to ignore the typical old age stereotypes, hoping I was more Ben Button with Brad Pitt rather than Jack with Robin Williams. But, yesterday it happened.

I was driving and listening to LA’s oldie station, K-earth 101 with Shotgun Tom Kelly when he pumped me up with a full hour of commercial free music. Perfect I thought, trusty oldies I can always rely on you. He gave the traffic report… weather report… few lame jokes… and then…  thank God, it’s music time.

The music started, the first few seconds sounded awfully familiar and then I heard the words: “A little diddy about Jack and Diane”

Wait… Huh? Did I change the station? No, I didn’t. John Cougar Mellencamp was on the oldies station. Is this right? I saw this guy at Summerfest in Milwaukee, Wisconsin one year when I was a teenager. I’m still calling him by his 3 part name, isn’t he just John Mellencamp now?

Either way it happened, I must accept this and move forward. I told my girlfriend and she was casual about it, she went on to tell me she heard The New Kids On The Block on the same station. Bring it on Shotgun, oldies are no more, I welcome the nostalgic music and am fully prepared for this next chapter of my life. I’m not happy about it but I’m not sure I can change it. Time, you’ve done it again.

An Ashton Kutcher Movie and Texting.

A few major turns took place in my life last night. First thing is I went to see an Ashton Kutcher movie on opening weekend. Yes, I saw “No Strings Attached” with my girlfriend, and truthfully I actually liked it. Not sure how they did it but I found it to be entertaining.

For those of you who don’t know it’s a film about being friends and having sex and blah blah blah they love each other. I’m definitely a sucker for romantic comedies but I didn’t have any expectations for this film. I was waiting for Kutcher to turn into Kelso and start yelling loudly. Also, I should mention I’m not always crazy about his co-star Natalie Portman but it all came together for date movie101. I should mention that Ivan Reitman directed it so at least I can use that as some sort of justification. I’m able to say “The guy who directed Ghostbusters did this film.” It just feels good.

So, I saw a Kutcher and Portman Rom Com, liked it, and admit to liking it. But that’s not the thing that surprised me most. The next big surprised happened while in the film. I was at the greatest theater in the World – The Arclight on Sunset. As I was dreaming about the fluffy popcorn during the trailers the very loud girl next to me began to text someone.  Okay, the pre movie text, I get it. It’s probably just an “I’m turning off my phone too see an Ivan Reitman movie” text. Right? Wrong.

The film starts – text. 20 minutes in – text. 40 minutes in – text. But then the mother of them all – She took a phone call during the film, but to her credit she was really quiet. I was in shock, it wasn’t that she was disrupting me but it was what she was doing. I looked around at one point and noticed a few other phones on and people texting. What the hell is going on!? Is nothing sacred anymore? Isn’t the dark theater a place where you don’t text?

I took a mental break during the movie and really thought this out. The people seeing the film are a “type” of person. This movie is made for a 21^st generation mentality. It’s made to stimulate for 2 hours and be done and to rarely think about again. I doubt text messages are happening in Black Swan or The Kings Speech.

Also, I fear that we’re in a transition right now. Since we can watch through our phones and ipads we’re going to think it’s acceptable to take breaks and make calls in a movie. We have streaming films now and the movie going experience isn’t completely what it used to be. The one time sacred dark room of movie is becoming a thing of the past.

I hope this isn’t true. I love movies, and a reason I love them so much is because I love going to them. I like getting lost in a major screen while watching 30 somethings play 20 somethings. The theater is off limits it has to be, if it isn’t then dammit… we’re screwed.

So please turn off your cell phones… And see No Strings Attached.

Woman Trick #87

I should start by saying this may sound a little creepy. But I have noticed something that is common with many different women. When I’m walking down the street and I find myself walking behind a woman many times she’ll stop and look in her purse, as I pass she’ll finish up looking in her purse and continue walking.

When I first noticed this I didn’t think much of it, then I noticed it time and time again. Eventually I went complete creeper and started to walk behind women to see if they’d do it. Most would, some wouldn’t.

I called my buddy Dortch. I asked him “Hey do you ever notice if you walk behind a woman they look in their purse?”

His reply: “Ah yes, one of the oldest tricks. It happens all the time.”

So it’s not just me! I equate this to a few things:

Women feel uncomfortable and think they’re going to get mugged.

Women think they guy behind them is looking at their ass.

Women feel out of control and want to regain it by walking behind.

Errr… Maybe it’s something in their purse?

Those are the four conclusions I came up with. But I’m curious if women do this when other women walk behind them?

Either way this finds itself as woman trick #87: The fake purse check on the street.

Brett Favre retired; Penis still active.

It’s been a long and storied career for the 42-year old gunslinger. Brett Favre holds every major quarterback statistic: most yards (71,838), most touchdowns (508), most attempts (6300), most completions (10,169), and the list goes on.  As Favre stood at the podium once again after the final game of the season he told the world that after 20 seasons he is officially done.  However, just as this familiar speech was happening, about 2 feet below his chin, Little #4 had a sense of disbelief.

Brett Favre’s penis came into the lime light this season when a former Jets employee, Jenn Sterger released incriminating photos that Favre allegedly snapped of his penis. Although this was terrible for Favre, it was a breath of new life for Little #4, which had been the unsung hero so many times in Favre’s career.

“I knew when Brett snapped a pic of me, we were going to have problems” said his penis. “This time was different, I just knew it. When he left the Jets for the Vikings, I sensed somewhat my life would change.”

It was a new life. Favre’s first year with the Vikings was almost storybook. Brett took them one play away from the Super Bowl, but in typical Favre tradition he threw the game losing interception that sealed the team’s fate. A loss like this would devastate a lesser man, but Favre needed another season to right his wrongs.

“I was ecstatic, once Brett decided to play another year” the penis said, “This was going to be the winning year.”

The penis was right, yet so wrong. Favre had never had so much media attention while losing. Midway trough the season the Sterger story broke and with that, the losses piled up. Eventually the Iron Man streak came to a skidding halt at 297.

“The Iron Man streak was incredible. Brett didn’t miss a game in 20 years. I’m not going to lie, I was tired, I sometimes wanted to quit,” said the penis.

With the Sterger allegations, the losing, and the streak coming to an end it would be only natural to retire, right? Favre’s penis thinks otherwise.

“I’m going to be honest, I think now that I am in demand and so much attention is being paid to me, Brett now wants out. I don’t want to call him completely selfish but I have been here for him, I’ll continue to be here for him, but now I deserve my credit. Realistically I think I have about 3 more solid seasons left and so does Brett.”

When asked about any other pictures that may be circulating, Favre’s penis paused for a moment and replied: “To be blunt, YES.”

An eerie resentment looms over little #4 and why shouldn’t it? This was his moment.  This moment came late in the career but also came quick. Like any typical flash in the pan, it wants more but instead may have to settle for the Vanilla Ice of penis pictures.

“It’s an excitement you know? I like the limelight. Brett’s had it for a long time now. It’s a good thing, I heard it changes people but I want to find out for myself. If it was up to me we’d still be playing, I’ll try my damndest. I’ll try.”